Why am I so stupid?
I hear this a lot in my clinical sessions from people who struggle with low self esteem, have imposter syndrome, have overactive inner critics and a whole host of other issues. My work sees me teaching people how to challenge negative thoughts and empower them to take control of their thought patterns.
Do you struggle to challenge such negative thoughts by wishing them away or distracting yourself, consciously stopping yourself? Have you noticed how your brain will find answers to questions and analyse patterns without ever consciously seeking that information? The brain has evolved to do this really well, it’s a defence mechanism. Most of us are no longer in need of this kind of pattern recognition for existential safety, yet our minds love to see patterns and more than that, they love to find meaning. This is at the root of all troublesome rumination: The search for meaning. “Why did he do this?”, “Why did that happen”, “Why didn’t she stop at the junction?”, “why am I the way I am?”
WARNING – Incoming Positivity
Let me give you fair warning here, this is a slightly longer post than my others. I want to GIVE YOU a complete and powerful method for derailing negative thinking, often before negative thoughts can become problematic. So please stick with it.
Your brain is like a computer. It can keep you awake at night turning over these info-search tasks that are a product of our very nature. Challenge negative thoughts… Pah! You’re challenging millennia of evolution. What about if we use the skill evolution has given us to challenge negative thoughts for us?
Do you notice the pattern here? The brain will ask “why” and the brain will supply an answer. Even if it’s an answer that we don’t like or don’t want. “Why did I do that?”, “because you’re stupid”, “because of your parents”, “because you’re a bad person”. Notice how we create the question in our brain almost automatically, but the answers are multiple and come with even less control than the questions. We can use this trait to our advantage!
Stuck in a Loop? The Key is in the Question!
Questioning and reframing is a technique used by hypnotherapists all the time to challenge negative thoughts. It’s a surefire way to inject empowering positivity directly into your everyday life without having to learn or do any hypnosis. So, I can give you the whole process right here in this article. Update: There’s a follow-on from this article now available here
As we’ve seen already, the brain is very good at finding information, but it typically only supports what it thinks we want to hear. This can create serious problems for us if we have a leaning toward negative thoughts. Which, let’s face it, is all of us at some point or another. By consciously setting questions that allow the mind to find positive and useful information. Furthermore, by doing this as a regular practice we can adjust the overall context in which the brain searches for information when those unintentional unconscious questions arise. This results in a more controlled overall output on that front too.
Let’s Revisit the Original Unconscious Question,
“Why am I so stupid?”
There are three things that are fundamentally wrong with this question that will almost guarantee you get stuck in what we refer to as a negative psychodynamic loop (a cycle of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviours that reinforce themselves in a continuous and negative way).
- The question presupposes truth – it assumes that you are actually stupid! Your brain is now going to go off and find whatever it might call “evidence” to support the question you’re asking based on the assumption that you are right. It wants to please you.
- A “why” question keeps you stuck because, even if it does get to some truth, a “why” doesn’t suggest any movement, or any need for movement.
- Having seen the problems that are caused by point one and two, the dangers posed here will be obvious to you: IT’S NEGATIVE! A stuck, negative, self reinforcing mental goop that you have to wade through every time you want to try something good or new! This is where negative thinking starts to involve emotions and behaviours. By behaviours I mean “what your body does”, in this case maybe crying, losing sleep, hyperventilating etc.
Finding Solutions
This is where being able to pose good quality questions to yourself really comes into its own. While we can’t control the answers, we can control the questions. What if we could choose to ask our minds good quality questions? Rather than directly challenging negative thoughts, it would be like positive rumination, much less destructive. We could encourage our computer-like brains to unconsciously generate positive, motivational, uplifting, inspiring solutions and feed them (even unbidden) into our conscious thought.
So how do we do it? How do we create these good quality questions? What makes a question “good quality”?
Well it’s actually easier than you might think, sure your first go might seem a bit clunky, but what doesn’t come without a learning curve?
There are four levels and you can choose how many levels you want to add to your question depending on how specific you want to make it. I’ll give you the levels, then we can look at the terminology in detail.
Level 1) Steer clear of “why”. Rephrase your question to be positive and to use a process word.
Level 2) Make it present tense or add a time constraint element to it.
Level 3) Add a level of clear, positive intention to it.
Level 4) Add a presupposition, it tells your brain “I’ve come this far, might as well carry on!”.
Level 1 Process Words
There’s a whole bunch of process words that you could choose from but for now, at least I want to limit your options to a couple of really strong ones: “What if…?”, “What can…?” “How…?” We can challenge negative thoughts by creating movement away from the problem.
We’ve already looked at “why” being such a roadblock. Now compare “why am I so stupid?” with “what can I do to be less stupid?” It’s still a horribly negative question that assumes genuine stupidity, but there are some key differences. There’s the possibility of movement. If I think of something that I can do, there’s progress. The possibility for creative solution finding is increased. This is an open-ended invitation for the brain to find ways to make me less stupid, and it will do it because that’s what the brain does naturally. Now let’s look for our positives in the polar opposite of “stupid”; Choose something that resonates with you personally, it might be smart, sharp, savvy, knowledgeable, brainy, astute, on-the-ball etc depending on the particular context in which you felt stupid.
Level 2 Tense and Time
Present tense is now. Our original question doesn’t really have a tense, but it is implied that it is already present. “Why am I so stupid?” Of course it could also be present continuous “Why am I always so stupid?” It could also suggest an identity issue too. Identity issues tend to be deeply set and may require additional professional help, but do feel free to try this technique. If the question is already present tense, consider how you can add a time constraint. Take the level 1 question and add a sensible timeframe in which to complete your solution. “What can I do to be more astute this week?” Anyone for a double whammy…? “What can I do today to be more astute this week?”. Be sure to be realistic.
Level 3 Positive Intent
This may or may not be appropriate for your question depending on the context you find yourself in. Use words like “can” and “will” to suggest to yourself a level of certainty about your topic. Now our level 2 question becomes: “What will I do to be more astute this week?” This adds both willingness and intention into the frame. Caution should be used here when using “will”… If you set your intentions off into the future and don’t use a time constraint, you’re automatically suggesting that “this is not for now; it will happen, but not yet”. When you don’t put a start time on it or a “complete by” suggestion, it just doesn’t start. You can literally make this a positive intent by adding suggestions of pleasure or enjoyment. “What will I do to be more astute this week and have a whale of a time doing it?”
Level 4 Presupposition.
Do you remember when I said the first problem with the original question was that it presupposes truth? For good and bad, presupposition is a powerful force in the mind. We’ve seen the negative side, now let’s look at a positive use.
Once we’ve rephrased our question, and understood how easily and naturally the mind retrieves solutions to this question, we can assume the benefits of it… “Since I’m improving every day, how will I continue to be more astute and have a whale of a time doing it?” This both assumes it is already happening and that the timeframe is unnecessary because it’s continuous.
Don’t Do Circles in Your Mind, Do Revolutions in Your Thinking!
Play around with creating your own questions, questions that flip your thinking from stuck-in-a-rut loops to creative, solution focused epiphanies.
Stick them in prominent places; the kettle, the bathroom sink, a card in your wallet. Each time you see it ask it to yourself with a voice in your mind and spend a moment pondering the question. It may take a short time for the questions to become natural, but having them present in your mind can help to disrupt the automatic negative thoughts that fuel negative psychodynamic loops. I wonder if you can anticipate how awesome it will feel to be taking an active role in managing your thoughts and emotions.
Not only that, but your critical thinking abilities will improve. Your self awareness will skyrocket as you develop a keen and compassionate curiosity that kindly asks “what am I thinking?” You will learn to recognise unhelpful patterns and the scenarios that trigger them. Armed with the ability to reframe and divert away from the negative towards potential solution and positive change, imagine what you could do if you learned to incorporate this with self hypnosis… I can help.
On a Final Note
Not all psychodynamic loops can be fought off with this technique. As powerful as it is, some loops are just more ingrained than others. Some may involve aspects of belief and identity which this technique does not address. My advice is definitely to use this technique, enjoy it and have fun with it, it can be of very real help in many cases. But wherever you find yourself held low by ruminating questions, lack of self belief, and low self esteem, find yourself some professional help. I don’t mind if it’s me or someone else, but you owe it to yourself to be free and in control of your thoughts.
Click here to arrange a free 15 minute chat on zoom to find out how I can help you, no obligation to follow up or buy anything.
Photo credits:
Ruminating by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
Hands Up by Rohit Farmer on Unsplash
What? by Vadim Bogulov on Unsplash
Pebble Question by Ana Municio on Unsplash
Cover Photo by Hennie Stander on Unsplash